SEED Survival Guide
by Slightly Sinister Sinestra
Summary: Formally 'Island Survival Guide'. Athrun and Shinn's guidelines for surviving in the SEED universe. Have fun. On hiatus.
1. Crazy blonde chicks

Disclaimer: Same drill, don't own!

Island Survival Guide. PAY ATTENTION!

Both Athrun Zala and Shinn Asuka have spent time on a deserted island with a crazy blonde chick. Both ended out, if not severly, embarssingly, injured. They, though they do not get on, have decided to pull together to write this guide so _you _do not have to suffer the way they did. They would like to thank you for choosing to read this, and hope all you young soldiers will not suffer through one of these nights.

_A note from the writers_: To all who have chosen to read this, we thank you. But, as glad as we are that you have read the footnotes, we beg of you to read the whole thing. It has taken us many painstakingly long nights to conjure this guide, and we believe it will come to be invaluably important. We, therefore, make it a direct order (we can do that, we're in FAITH!) that you read this book. Thank you.

(If you are tall, dark haired and have 'sad' eyes, this may be more important.)

Rules:

1) Firstly, and perhapes most importantly, you _will _get injured. Remember to pack a full first aid kit.

2) The crazy blonde chick will make an attempt to drown herself and/or you. Remember to avoid the beach and ocean/lake. If you don't it leads to problems way above just getting wet. (See below)

3) Once the crazy blonde chick has attempted to drown herself and/or you, she will realise that she is soaked. This, as you can gather, leads to a very awkward situation that will lead to severe blushing on both your parts. The situation is lessen somewhat if you have a blanket. Pack one with your first aid kit.

4) Now that you are both dry and reasonably comfortable, you will talk. If the talking is nervous and shy, then you should be fine. Just as long as you don't look at each other, because nervous talk means you've no blanket. But, if you are both able to look each other in the eye, prepare a deep philosophical arguement on why you are fighting the war. She will shoot down your beliefs like you've never seen them shot down, so always have a retort.

5) DO NOT FALL ASLEEP!

6) Well, now it's time for some bandaging. You may be injured again, or she could be injured. So, as you can guess, this can go one of two ways. One: You will be injured. When this happens, she will insist on treating you, just in case you'll hunt her down later and demand repayment for whatever you've saved her from. When you get back to your ship, you will try to hide exactly what happened. Two: She will be injured, and you will treat her because you've aquired affection for her somehow. She will thank you and when she returns to her ship she will shout and scream to hang onto the bandage/hanky. Then she will forget about it anyway. Avoid either circumstance!

7) Bring food. Simple, but effective rule. Always have some food. And Coffee.

8) When you are rescued, if indeed you've survived, be prepared for the crazy blonde chick to show you some affection. Having spent some time together, she has realised that you are not as screwed up as you started out to be. And you will realise the same holds true for you. You will part on good terms.

9) You will meet this girl again, and it will be on the wrong end of a gun. This will end up with both of you crying.

10) You will fall in love with her. But, the relationship will be thrown out the window. Either she dies or unforeseen circumstances will tear you apart. It's better to avoid the whole damn thing.

Notes: We thank you for reading. Please take everything we have said. And remember: DO NOT CRASH!


	2. Crazy blonde clones

Disclaimer: I tried to check for all the papers and documents in my filing cabinat, then remembered I didn't have one. No docs or papers either. Funny, huh?

Seed Survival Guide - Chapter 2

A note from the editor: Due to the success of the 'Island Survival Guide', we have decided to post the guide to dealing with crazy blonde clones. Mr Zala and Mr Asuka have once again agreed to sacrifice their time and energy to save you aspiring soldiers some real trouble. Please understand that, once again, they've spent many sleepless nights on this project, so we ask of you to show respect. Insomnia is hard to pull off when you're _trying_ to stay awake and trying to work.

A note from the writers: As stated above, the time spent on this project was long and all consuming, so we ask for no complaints. We did get one for the last guide, and the genius had decided to read it _after_ crashing on the island. We do hope that person is alright, though, and that the guide got them through the night. However, we cannot and refuse to take responsibility for anything that may have occured. Now, onto this guide. Many people requested a guide for crazy blonde clones and, after much thought, we have realised that they are right. The crazy blonde clones are far more dangerous then the crazy blonde chicks. So, once again we ask of you to PAY ATTENTION and READ FULLY. May this save you much trouble and pain.

Rules:

1: Once again, you will get injuired when dealing with crazy blonde clones. You will need your fully stocked first aid kit, and if you can manage to fit a councelor in there, do! It will come in handy when you're emotionally traumatised.

2: The crazy blonde clone will try to become close to you, whether it be as your friend or the father you believed lost. We recommend you keep the relationship purely professional and distant. They are commrades, nothing more. If you can't do this, then for gods' sakes get the councelors ready!

3: Ah, the pain of leaving. You may have to betray the crazy blonde clones. DO NOT TRY THIS MORE THAN ONCE! If you do, the first aid kit will not cover your injuires!

4: Coffee. Simple, yes, but it works as well with these as with the chicks. It stops you from doing something overly stupid!

5: It is always good to have someone at your back when dealing with crazy blonde clones. Though the type of backup will vary as much as the crazy blonde clones age. If the crazy blonde clone's old, then two or three ships, heavy artilary and someone to smack you upside the head when you start to doubt whether you should be fighting your second father should do the trick. If the clone is young, then a cute redhead, a powerful mobile suit and a definate smack upside the head should be all you need. Oh, and you might want to abuse your poor councelor again.

6: Always nick powerful mobile suits. It usually helps.

7: The clone will die. This will leave you in one or two positions after the battle. Running like hell from an explosion, or balling your eyes out in your girlfriend's arms. If you can do both, well and good, it combines an adrenalin rush with an emotional moment. If you can't do both, opt for crying in your girlfriend's arms, the adrenlin you can do without. Sorta, maybe... trust us on this one, alright?

8: Nightmares. These will occur for ages afterwards. Either start suffering from insomnia, or start drinking something that soothes your nerves.

End note: Note quite as long as the crazy blonde chicks, but we believe it is just as important. We hope you have read this through, and we hope it has been read _before_ dealing with the crazy blonde clone. Thank you... Oh, alright, our editor has told us to mention one more rule. She's female, go figure. If you're a male, happily skim by this rule, it doesn't apply to you. At least, unless you lean that way...

9: The crazy blonde clone will undoubtedly be good looking. If you're female, try to avoid him altogether.

Editor again: I thank you for reading this. It has been wonderful to be given the chance to present it to you, and I know our two writers feel the same way. I am happy to inform you that Mr Zala and Mr Asuka have consented to write another guide. (Pretty soon they will be complaining about over work.) The guide that is too come is how to deal with crazy redheads. We hope to find you wonderful intelligent people back for that one! Thank you and good luck!


	3. Crazy red heads

_A note from the editor: Alright, once again I've decided to edit the work of Mr Athrun Zala and Mr Shinn Asuka. I am also told that, for this chapter, they have enlisted the help of one, Kira Yamato, as his knowledge of crazy redheads far surpasses that of our two authors. So, once again I'll leave you in the capable hands of our authors, and resign to the knowledge that it was me who attempted to fix their insomnia enduced spelling mistakes. Attempted being the oppretive word here._

A note from the authors: Okay, like our editor has already said, there is a third author for this chapter. As the first person amoung our group to experience handling a crazy redhead, we felt it was right. Welcome Kira Yamato to this guide for this all important chapter.

We say all important, because crazy redheads are possibly the most effective at screwing up your feelings. Now, two of the crazy redheads we've delt with were actually lovely people, and we do not wish to spread bad rumours about them.However, it is important for you young idio ... soldiers to realise that emotional turmileis not a good thing when you're trying to stay alive. Hence, the chapter on crazy redheads.

Read all the way through and pay attention for the love of all that's holy.

**Rules:**

1) Well, first things first, there's two types of crazy redhead. The first is an emotionally traumnatized physco bitch who manipulates your feelings and convinces you that she loves you and you need to love her back. This is the type to avoid, because you will, I repeat _will_, end up falling for her and that is not going to help your mental state. The second type is genuinly in love with you, and genuinly wants to help you and is willing to live with the fact that you mightn't love them back. This is the type that it is safe to communicate with, as long as you're capable of taking the consiquences.

2) Okay then, you've just had a traumatising experience and your emotional and mental state has been better. This is usually the time the first type of crazy redhead preys on you. Avoid all contact with the crazy redhead. Stay in a tight group of people that you know are your friends. And don't, I mean _don't_, be caught in your bedroom alone.

3) Alright, you've just done something monumentally stupid, and you know it was monumentally stupid. The second type of crazy redhead comes in here, and through a mix of crying and forgiving makes you feel that it wasn't quite so monumentally stupid. All well and good, but you need to understand that you've been a complete idiot, so you'll understand that this is also a situation to avoid. It leaves you feeling arrogent and convinced of your own misguided rightousness.

4) Fights, fights, fights, serious emotional confusion on your part. Which too choose, crazy blond chick or crazy redhead. Yeah, not a situation to get into.

5) Dear oh dear, your best friend the crazy blonde clone secretly has a crush on your crazy redhead. That, or your very good friend is engaged to your crazy redhead. _Or_, the sister of your crazy redhead is unbelieveably angry with you because you delibratly put her sister in danger. Crazy redhead is either organising the whole show or as utterly bewildered as you are. Avoid the situation, please.

6) The crazy redhead will either attempt to save your life, or you will attempt to save theirs. This is always going to end up with you getting severally hurt, so best not to try it folks.

7) It is completely alright to develope a relationship with a crazy redhead, just as it is alright to develope one with a crazy blonde chick. Just know that you're either going to be the victim of bad press or the poor kid who gets all the angsty stuff and fifty different 'the world is all against me' style stories. It's your funneral.

8) Your councilor and fully stocked first aid kit is still needed. Always have them on you.

9) Coffee, coffee, coffee, where would you be without it? Always have a cup when dealing with a crazy redhead.

10) Well, we don't really have another rule, so just memorise the other nine. That, by the way, is an order.

A note from the authors: Okay, if you're reading this, then you've read the chapter. What can we say?

_A note from the editor: Ignore the coffee rule, unless you're a coffee addicted insomniac. Other then that, any offense to the lovely people is undoubtly unintended by our exhausted authors. I hope you have enjoyed this, and I'm happy to announce that the next guide is underway. Apperantly, suicideal ships captains are worth learning how deal with. See you next time._

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue, don't ask.

Readers of this guide are thanked from the bottom of my heart. And last but not least, please review?


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